Humor

Please do not steal my ideas.  If you do, you should have given me a writing job in the first place.  All of my writing on my site and that I’ve ever done [unless otherwise stated] is copyrighted to me, Heather Arneson. To all of the good people in the world, I realize already you understand this…before proceeding, please read this so we are on the same page.  And then, I hope you can have some laughs!  Because, laughter is wonderful medicine…

Umbrella

By ©Heather Arneson

 

Sadie Coleridge Gold had an umbrella that was white, red and green and she carried it around with her for a week whether it rained, or even if it wasn’t predicted.  She wanted to be one of those unique characters others talked about when she got older.  And be around eternally after she died.  But she was only 40.

 

It behooved her to say, “No, no-one’s sitting here,” even if the person asking was vaguely attractive and said something nice to her about her hair, which she often struck with a hot iron each morning.  He twirled his hand around the knotted pine bench arm above it for a moment and then presented it to her, “Hello, I’m Dane.”

 

“Oh!  You don’t hear that name very often!”

 

He wrinkled his brow and suddenly seemed agitated with her, “I’m waiting for someone.”

 

She noticed her umbrella was in between them and moved it over to her left side, “Oh, alright.”

 

They sat in silence for a while amidst a business library full of benches and meeting rooms.

 

“Your feet smell!”  She blurted out, unaware of how loud it was and when the thought manifested just before it fell out of her mouth, but either way it lay there as they sat, “I’m sorry, but they do.”

Please check it out:

(Understand that some of these pieces I wrote have inappropriate jargon for younger audiences)

Power Lunch Today-Mock Newsletter [by Heather Arneson]:

Power Lunch Today Fifth Edition- 6-15-17

Power Lunch Today Fourth Edition- 4-13-17

Power Lunch Today Third Edition

Power Lunch Today Second Edition

Power Lunch Today  (contributing writer, David Cohen)

 

Short Stories:

Minnesota Nice by Heather Arneson

Gore Fitzgerald by Heather Arneson

Pine Country by Heather Arneson

The Letter by Heather Arneson

 

Flash Fiction:

Mattie Page by Heather Arneson

[Written 6-3-16, at least one saved and edited document-before that movie Everything, Everything, Everything came out.  Just saw a brief synopsis for that recently, when I looked at new movies out, and thought to myself, wow, that is oddly similar to my original work-which was partially based on my life and real events-fictionalized a lot, of course as well.]

 

Jokes

Q: What did the rulebook say to the porcupine?

A: I feel like a lot of pricks are trying to read me.

[this is already included as a page, but didn’t want to delete the page]:

A guy walks into a bar revised

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